dear diary,
i came home today exhausted, like usual. one black tea in the morning, a caffeine chocolate in the afternoon, and i still feel like a body bag by the time i get home.
the past 3 years have been exhausting.
health problems come exponentially, and i donāt know if itās because of me approaching the big 30 (iām only 25), or because of the sheer amount of strenuous exercise on my body, heart, and mind in the past years.
physically, maybe i should exercise more than i do right now (which is close to none). my preceptor vet saw how i stand up from doing a physical exam on the ground and was amazedā¦by how stiff i stood up. my knees probably age 10+ years ahead of me, yet iām still lazy to stretch and to go to the gym. right now, exercise that excites me is nature walks, and finding the time for it is difficult (again, iām complaining, when some of my friends find time to gym every day on top of their own busy rotational schedules). not just my knees, but my entire body seems to be degenerating at a much faster rate: more headaches, migraines, random vertigo, more yawning in the day despite an 8-hour sleep night, worsening allergies (has anyone told you that allegedly, at least 50% of people in the vet med profession are allergic to the same animals theyāre passionate about treating and spending countless hours with? source: literally everyone i talked to).
heartly? health care means putting your whole body down and letting people stamp on it, then apologizing for the shape of the bruise. health care means a lot of emotions. i was discussing this with my other preceptor the other day about why it's so hard for me to talk through euthanasias. i said that when the client described their bond with the dog over the past 10 years, who now has a hemoabdomen from a ruptured splenic hemangiosarcoma, i immediately cried, thinking of how it must feel to be them, hearing that your pet is going to die soon and there's nothing much you can do about it other than prolong the inevitable.
my preceptor said what i was doing was sympathy, not empathy. i did a deep dive on this for myselfāMerriam-Webster, Psychology Today, LinkedIn, Reddit (a variety of different trustworthiness levels). what i actually did, contrary to what my preceptor said, was TOO MUCH EMPATHY. i put myself as the client, i felt what he would have felt, as if i was Jean Grey doing telepathic stuff on him (anyone watched Spider-Man: Brand New Day?). but my preceptor did mention something worthwhile, something my mother has said before too: my role as a veterinarian is to guide clients through the euthanasia decision, not feel the situation for them. what i need is to push my empathy to another level: compassion, where i aim to alleviate the ownerās and the animalās suffering. feeling the emotion in the room is allowed. jumping into it is not. anyway, back to my original point: iām still learning how to not carry the unnecessary weight of it all.
mindly? itās exploded multiple times, and i call those times a mental breakdown. at least twice a year, more notably when i havenāt had social interaction outside of work for more than two weeks, or during winter. at my newest rotation, the supervisor asked us to introduce ourselves and say what we want to do in the future. āum, a vet?ā i said. āwhat kind?ā she asked. i thought about how passionate i used to be, before vet school, about working emergency, learning the tricks, opening my own emergency clinic that sees exotics. that dream is in a binder now, in a cardboard box, folded, shoved under my bed. not gone, but not apparent in the mind, either. i told my supervisor that although i used to want emergency, iām content now with GP and exotics. i crave the work-life balance of a 40-hour week while leaving the evenings and weekends for my loved ones. maybe i crave it because it hasnāt been my reality for years. my reality has been studying, studying, and more studying, pinning everything to the NAVLE, to getting the medicine right so i donāt fumble my first year as a vet. the learning curve sounds terrifying. i donāt think iām even capable of emergency with my current tired body and burnt-out mind.
i felt a little ashamed saying āiām content with GP.ā mostly ashamed of myself. like iād devolved, from someone with big ambitions to someone settling. like i let myself down. Sue from 5 years ago would have looked at me with shock (and slight disgust) if she found out that i prefer GP over the chaotic, never-boring emergency environment.
but i know better than to just sit in the shame. i respect my own choice right nowāthat my priority is living my twenties doing fun things with my loved ones, spending time with family, traveling, and eating good food.
for now, thatās the dream. helping clients and pets as the main gig, writing as a side quest, and doing life with my people as the top priority. i got into vet school. iām on my way to getting that degree. this game is almost done.
even without the slightest certainty of how the next years will be, i still look forward to my own ābrand new day.ā
here are some photos as tribute to my happiness in the past few months:
