The room was quiet in that particular 11pm way. The only sounds were my cat’s purr, the air purifier, and my fingers typing on the laptop.
I was writing a list of things I’m good at and things I still suck at in vet med. Just a rare moment of self-review to self-improve (I was feeling a little too ambitious).
The list looks like this. Feel free to move on to the next section if you’d like. I’m about to get real personal and it might be boring.
Things I know I am good at:
Surgery: Anything involving my hands comes naturally. At least when I’m not too nervous thinking about the consequences of a bursted pedicle (ANXIETY ATTACK!)
Diagnostic Imaging: About 70% confident and 30% humbled. Totaled up to be 100% a love-hate relationship.
Big picture/Systemic thinking: Systemic Pathology was THE HARDEST course in third year. I thought I would crumble under the mountain of information there was to know. But I didn’t, and ended up in the 80s! After all, the course was less about details and more about general concepts, which is how my brain works.
Emergency treatments: Working at an emergency clinic taught me how to stabilize (the patient and myself) in chaos, and I’m grateful for that.
Communication (AVM for OVC alumni): I found the course useful, especially the scenarios provided. I did well, except for euthanasia conversations.
Things I need improvements:
Dermatology: The amount of vocabulary I learned in one year was immense. It was another language entirely! Slowly getting better.
Orthopedics: You need to fix different fractures of different conformations with different stabilization, different bandaging, and different surgical procedures—you get the point. Not to mention the species difference. Very interesting, but I still need more time and practice.
Ophthalmology: There are just too many layers and too many diseases per layer! And I really want to get better at diagnosing eye stuff, since it’s a large part of GP. Bottom line: I’m still a noob and eyes are dope.
Memorization: Not my strongest suit. Unlike my boyfriend, who can recall a line from slide 74 of lecture 6 from swine medicine like remembering what he ate for dinner last night.
Multiple choice reasoning: MCQs send me spiraling into thousands of possibilities, while with short answer I just spill words like Eminem rapping. I’m probably so f**ked for the NAVLE.
Keeping my composure: Still working on that customer-service poker face. A client once said something unexpected during history taking and I went full *pikachu face* in real time. Luckily the veterinarian was there to drive the conversation.
That’s it, for now. I sat with it for a while, fully absorbing the pride. Then came the embarrassment and disappointment. Which certainly didn’t feel good.
So I started scrolling on Instagram instead (what a way to deal with your emotions!) I saw a post about Sabrina Carpenter’s tour, and my mind immediately went: “Why do all her songs have to be about guys and love? Didn’t she learn after the whole Barry Keoghan situation?” That’s when I finally realized one thing.
I am a hypocrite.
I judged Sabrina Carpenter for very publicly getting into and immediately moving on from a relationship, as if I've never ignored a red flag the size of a barn1. I judged my walk-in doctor for diagnosing me with stomach ulcers instead of ordering a fecal sample when I had cryptosporidium2, yet I’ve forgotten to take a heart rate while examining a patient. I judged my boyfriend for not watering his plants, yet I’ve owned two plants in my entire life. Both dead.
I’m a hypocrite with a huge ego. And now I’m judging myself for it!
It is extremely easy to see what other people are doing wrong. It is much harder to sit with a list of your own shortcomings for ten minutes and not wanting to throw the laptop out of the window.
I already know how humiliating it is to admit I’m bad at something. I wouldn’t want anyone judging me for it. So being good at something else doesn’t give me the right to judge someone else for being bad at that.
Here’s an example. Look at Jesus. Arguably the one person with the most right to judge every single one of us, and he’s just there being a chill guy, forgiving everyone, even when they’re spending every possible effort trying to murder him. Meanwhile I’m over here, struggling and imperfect, but somehow still finding the audacity to judge Sabrina Carpenter, who’s a stranger on the Internet that only bits and pieces of her life are available for me to examine.
Anyway, this exercise reminds me that I’m only human. There’s nothing I’m 100% perfect at, and that’s okay. Sure, I can be frustrated at the walk-in doctor overlooking my history; but in the end, they’re also humans, trying to treat humans. I can’t blame them for trying their best with what they have in that moment. That’s the mentality I want to carry for myself, for any vet colleagues, any healthcare professionals, literally anyone I’ll be tempted to judge.
I’m not going to pretend I can throw grace around freely like Oprah with the cars. I’m not at that level yet. But I need to be conscious of when my thoughts enter the judge’s bench. I can’t just let my hypercritical mind run without realizing I might have just made someone’s day worse—or my own, for spending the energy judging someone and mulling it over and over in my head.
So I’m putting this here to remind myself that Sue, you already said it: YOU SHALL NOT JUDGE. You know exactly how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. Next time you get on your high horse, let this whoop yo ass.
If you’re reading this and have felt judged by me recently, please be patient and vulnerable enough to shove this article in my face. I’m notoriously forgetful. I will forever keep you in my mind (not in a creepy way) for it.
Now…sit down, be humble.
Cue Sabrina Carpenter’s “Please Please Please”.
Cryptosporidium: A nasty parasite causing watery diarrhea and painful cramps. Allegedly infects at least 10% of every OVC class (source: trust me bro).